Previously I wrote about retiring in Singapore and I highlighted that “Children are not our Retirement Tools. You can read about my post here.
Today I want to write about my thoughts on parents , especially Mothers who are very dependent on their children. This is a very toxin way of living ones life whereby all hopes and dreams are fully focus on the child/children and not left anytime for own self-development. Ignoring own social circles when got married and have family is a sure way for self dooming during old age , when you have an empty nest because your children have grown up and left to cities to pursuit their own life and dreams. What’s next ? You are left with only you and your husband or alone , alot of people have depression when they are left with an empty nest , not knowing what is their own goals and dreams because for past 21 years its all about the kids.
This was easier for western culture , or countries which are big , because travelling back from work to parents house might need to take few hours of train travel or air travel .
But this is not a normal culture in Singapore to leave home and go other cities to stay ,because Singapore is such a small country. From East (Pasir Ris) travel to West (Jurong) only took about an hour by MRT (our “Train”). Children in Singapore will continue to stay with their parents until they are married or got a house of their own.
I do find that alot of Mothers lost their individual identity upon starting a family. Focusing all on the children , depending on husband for those who are housewife . Their whole life is revolved around only their family.
For those who do not have a good relationship with their spouse , they will put more focus on their children to get what the spouse cannot give them , the loving tender care and attention. This kind of energy makes child who is growing up in this environment suffocating.
I am one of the child , who my mother depends alot on me. she have no friends (maybe 1 friend) If my aunt ask her out , if I did not go she might not go. In times that I am not busy with my work , every Saturday and Sunday I will accompany my mother and aunty to bring them to various places. I think along the way , I unconsciously spoiled my mom to become too dependent on me. Most of my aunts are quite independent , going yoga themselves , going out themselves as they have no choice because their children are married for daughter and as for sons ; sons are always working , seldom the mothers will ask their sons to accompany them go eat lunch or dinner. All these responsibilities all fall onto the daughters. This is not fair for daughter , just because we are more caring beings , we are the ones always doing all those shared responsibilities of taking care of the parents’ emotional well being?
Mothers have to know that their child will not be by their side forever , there will be a time where the child have to leave the nest. The only person who might be there when your children grown up and have their own life is none other than “YOUR SPOUSE”.
Always know that in a marriage , “YOUR SPOUSE IS YOUR COMPANION FOR LIFE , NOT YOUR CHILDREN.”
Child have their own life to build , let them go. Not mentally and emotionally pressure them that it is their responsibility to be your companionship.
I go not want to let the future children have to encounter what I encounter in my life , that’s why I choose to open my situation up to remind parents with young children to start building their own life NOW , instead of when you are too deep into the habits of depending so much on your children that you do not know you are suffocating them.
Solutions on how to bring back your individual identity if you feel/think that your world revolves only on your husband and children:
- Hobbies : Join activities that you are interested , ask you friends to join together with you.
- Career : I am someone who strongly believed that a woman should work even they have children because you will stay current with the society and you have some money for your own spend (Not need to see your husband face when you buy something that you like back)
- Friends : Staying connect with your friends despite having to juggle between work and family. Friends are an importance part of our life , good friends will lift us up and be our listening ears.
- ME Time : This is the most importance of all , have some alone time , only dedicated to yourself . Doing activities that you love (reading , singing , drawing , dancing etc)
- Spiritual : Join a spiritual group no matter it is a church group , temple group etc. There will always have a supportive and healing elements when we join all these group.
Once you start building a strong foundation for individual self , that’s where your are strong on your own with/without others .